Here’s the thing. If it’s a ‘work party’, I’m gonna be sitting in a corner, sipping my beer. I’m a man of few words and have even fewer fucks to give, so leave me be.
I may be young, but I’m ambitious, y’know? I got dreams. Sure, it’s construction work for now, but the money’s comin’. And it’s comin’ real soon buddy. Real soon.
Until then, I make sure I show up on time and leave when I’m asked to. I was hoping to be at home, cuddled up in my jammies by now, watching re-runs of Scrubs on NBC (the ABC seasons are trash — don’t @ me). Unfortunately, it was this dickass manager’s birthday today and he’d decided to take us all out for drinks.
I woulda been fine if he’d just left me the fuck alone. But no. Big ol’ birthday boy wants to ‘catch up’. Catch this you time-wasting bitchass—
“Sir?” I said, but not because I wanted to.
“Are you enjoying the party? We was wondering if you wanted to join us over there?”
I don’t know what it is about me that makes people want to sit down when I never asked them to.
“I’m good right here.”
He gulped down a third of his beer. “Alright, well what else is goin’ on? What happened to that business plan of yours?”
“It’s going wild. I got it all planned out. I just need to find some investors, y’know? Then I’m outta this town.”
“Well, I wish you the best of luck with that endeavour,” he said.
bEsT oF lUcK wItH tHaT eNdEaVoUr man fuck you AND that screwdriver you always carrying around. Why the fuck would you ALWAYS needs a screwdriver anyway?
“You know, we haven’t spoken in a while. I’ve been pretty busy with the new baby and all. What’s new with you?”
I took a sip of my drink. “Well I met this girl.”
He raised an eyebrow, and then said the creepiest shit I ever heard outta 55 year old man.
“Yeah? You hittin’ it?”
“Yeah yeah she’s real cute, check it out,” I said, pulling out my phone. I didn’t have her nudes but he didn’t need to know that.
“I can’t show you the good stuff because that would be unethical, not to mention weird, but this here’s how she looks.”
Have you ever seen a man’s face melt? My dude, this guy’s eyebrows straight-up folded inwards. He looked so confused I thought he was my ex-girlfriend.
“Goddamn it you alright?”
He cleared his throat and straightened himself. “What’s her name?”
“Diane,” I said. “She’s really sweet looking. And she may be a cougar but she a feisty cat.”
I backed up in my chair a little. “Yeah that’s the one. How’d you know?”
He chugged the rest of his beer. “She’s my… My brother’s wife… I don’t…”
I froze, man. I ain’t know she was married.
“You two a thing?” he said, nauseous. “I need to use the bathroom.”
I’ll be real with you, I felt weird. On one hand, I just gave this dude some fucked up news. On the other hand, he wasn’t sitting next to me no more. 🤷♂️
After maybe fifteen minutes I decided to go check on the big guy anyway. I was feeling generous. Plus I wanted to take a video in case he was cryin’ or somethin’.
I walked into the bathroom and he’s leaning against one of the sinks facing the mirror. His head was hung low.
“Hey man,” I said, putting my hand on his shoulder. “I’m not sure—“
He raised his right hand and grabbed my goddamn skull. “Fuck you,” he said, smashing my face against the sink.
I was on the floor, delirious and in agony. This motherfucker has just broken my nose, but he was twice my size. I didn’t stand a chance.
“I’m really so—“
He kicked me in the stomach, and I started coughing blood out onto the tiled floor. Next thing I knew, I was curled up against the entrance wall, and my left eye felt empty — but like it was on fire.
He pulled out a cellphone. “Diane?” he said.
I knew I only had seconds to live, and as each second went by, it all made sense to me.
“He’s not home? Slip into something sexy. I’m coming for you,” he said, washing the blood off his screwdriver and into the sink.
So that’s why.